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Jokes for people who find the humor in EVERYTHING
Dark comedy is not for the light of heart or the easily offended. Dark jokes remind us to not take life too seriously and to remember that touchy subjects are not above laughter if the joke is well written. Here are 15 dark jokes to read quietly to yourself, and then decide whether or not to share them with others.
Anthony Jeselnik
“You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”
Jimmy Carr
“I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for a year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.”
Ricky Gervais
“My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.”
You Don’t Need A Parachute
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Bo Burnham
"If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no."
The Blind Break-Up
“A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.”
Bill Burr
Bill Burr on why he’s glad Stephen Hawking is dead.
My Girlfriend’s Dead Dog
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Norm Macdonald
“He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, ‘Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.’”
One Man’s Trash
“Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.”
Gilbert Gottfried
“A man goes to the doctor for a check-up, and the doctor exams him and says ‘I've got bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimers.’ The man goes ‘Thank God I don't have cancer!’”
Frankie Boyle
“When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.”
Jim Jeffries
“The bible, that’s God's book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing sh*t about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking sh*t about me like that.”
Daniel Tosh
“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.”
Dave Attell
“Remember when you were young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.”
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